glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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