I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
