Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
