If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
