girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
