WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Where did you get a picture of my penis
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
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