Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
