If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
