My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
