I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.