I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
