At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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