and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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