yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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