i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Terrible idea I love it
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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