You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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