Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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