Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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