i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
