party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
