Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
