I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
