she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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