I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
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i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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