3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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