wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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