Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
