My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
