That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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