I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Randomize
