Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
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i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
did you just send me my own nude
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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