Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
