A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
