The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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