I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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