is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
