So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
