Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Oh god it's open bar.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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