Hey man sorry I got all grabby
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i barfeds in our rink
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
