I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
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Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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