Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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