There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
