i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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