just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
