I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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