Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
