sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
