Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
