i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
