i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
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