I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Can Purell be used as lube?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
