Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We're too hungover to prance.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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