watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
