quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
