those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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