I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
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Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
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Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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