I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
