Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
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I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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